Making ALONE time for parents? Any good suggestions?

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Permalink Reply by Bradi Nathan on March 22, 2010 at 9:14pm

Try aiming for once a month. Date night and getting a sitting suddenly becomes more realistic. Sometimes my husband and I quietly sit reading in bed together - not an ideal date but at least we're alone in the same room :).

Do talk to Julie Potischman, Butterfly's resident Psychotherapist who might suggest further. Click on Resources/Therapy tab.

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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Barkai on March 22, 2010 at 10:55pm

Thanks for your advice. I was thinking of 1X a month too, it would give us something to look forward to and more affordable and realistic than 1X a week. Actually, tonight, my hubby and I chatted a little while in bed, I am watching my shows on TV, him on his laptop, but we chatted in between (while I was also cleaning out a pile of papers I have been neglecting! A mother/wife's work is never done. LOL) and it was relaxing and nice to have ADULT conversation and not necessarily about the kids. I will check out Julie's advice too. Thanks again!

Rebecca

Bradi Nathan said:

Try aiming for once a month. Date night and getting a sitting suddenly becomes more realistic. Sometimes my husband and I quietly sit reading in bed together - not an ideal date but at least we're alone in the same room :).

Do talk to Julie Potischman, Butterfly's resident Psychotherapist who might suggest further. Click on Resources/Therapy tab.

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Permalink Reply by Julie Potischman on March 23, 2010 at 3:40pm

Hi Rebecca, i loved reading your request. It is so refreshing to hear from a woman who wants to make their marriage a more important priority. It is so easy to get bogged down with kids and life and make our husbands an after thought. So, you are off to a good start with trying to set aside one night a week for a date night. The rule is to set aside one night a week, with the hopes of it happening one time a month. So continue with your weekly plan and keep trying each week to make it work. I know babysitters can be very expensive so try to think outside of the box by having a family member watch your kids or even a friend or neighbor. You could volunteer to babysit for a friend of yours and then they do the same for you. You could even start a trend with a group of moms where everyone takes a turn.

Knowing how stressful and busy life is, it is important to be flexible, so you may want to consider sitting with your kids during dinner and then waiting for you husband so you can eat together, if not every night, maybe at least one night. I know you said you are too tired at the end of the day to spend time with your husband and there are always things that need to be done, which i totally understand. However, i am also a big believer in controlling our anxiety about our household responsibilities and letting some things fall by the waist side. Meaning, It is OK to let the dishes sit in the sink over night, (yes, i said it out loud) it is OK to leave the laundry for another day. I am obviously not saying to "forget it all" what i am saying is, your marriage is worth your time, and if it means the dishes and the laundry have to sit a bit longer than you are used to so your husband and you can connect, then so be it.

Here are some other suggestions, I'm not sure how old your kids are, so this may not be an option, but if one is old enough to be left a lone, now that it is getting warmer out, take a 20 minute walk with your husband. Try simply sitting out back and have a glass of wine. Pull yourself away from your house hold duties and sit with him while he eats dinner. And even though nothing takes the place of alone time, connecting with your partner is a huge part of a happy marriage. so no matter how busy you are, try to be thoughtful of your husband on a daily (yes daily) basis, by calling him or sending him an email or text message saying you are thinking of him or by leaving him a note in his brief case. by seeing a favorite food he likes and bringing it home for him. By greeting him at the door if you can, by holding his hand. By sitting with him while watching something he wants to watch and then it is your turn. And lastly, alone time doesn't have been long, it is more about quality than quanity, so i tell my clients to come up with a list of 60 second pleasure that they can do with their partners. Like hold hands for 60 seconds, kiss for 60 seconds, hug, laugh, tell a joke, dance, stare at eachother....whatever they may be. have fun with them and do them every day. 60 seconds a day, is better than none at all.

Hope this helps,

Enjoy your husband!

Julie Potischman
Resident Psychotherapist

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Permalink Reply by Sherry Grimes-Jenkins on March 31, 2010 at 8:10pm

Well I can tell you as a mother of four, we plan a date night once a month. One of our rules is not to discuss bills or the kids, just us. for our once a month date we try not to do a movie because it takes away from the time we need to be face to face with each other. Somtimes we may take a day off from work to have breakfast and watch a early movie before the kids come home from school. We may also have early morning time say 4 am we may get up on a saturday/ sunday morning to watch a movie.

Sherry Grimes-Jenkins

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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Barkai on April 22, 2010 at 8:36pm

Thanks for sharing! You had some good suggestions. I know what you mean about seeing movies. I DO love to watch movies though and we hardly get a chance to do that together, but more "time face to face" does make more sense. Enjoy! I will have to do it more often. I did meet my hubby for lunch in Manhattan the other week and it was REALLY nice. Then, we walked around a bit, I think we will try to do it every other week or at least one time a month now that I have a babysitter once a week!

Take care,

Rebecca

Sherry Grimes-Jenkins said:

Well I can tell you as a mother of four, we plan a date night once a month. One of our rules is not to discuss bills or the kids, just us. for our once a month date we try not to do a movie because it takes away from the time we need to be face to face with each other. Somtimes we may take a day off from work to have breakfast and watch a early movie before the kids come home from school. We may also have early morning time say 4 am we may get up on a saturday/ sunday morning to watch a movie.

Sherry Grimes-Jenkins

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Permalink Reply by Terry Starr on April 23, 2010 at 2:45pm

Try for dinner out once a month- this way you're not setting yourself up for disappointment. One a week is tough!

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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Barkai on April 24, 2010 at 10:58pm

Yes, I think once a month is more doable. Thanks!

I actually recently met my hubby in the city for lunch and it was nice, (two weeks ago) and I think I will try again this Tuesday, YEAY! I love being in NYC and it is nice to spend some quality time with my hubby.

Enjoy your weekend!

Rebecca

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Permalink Reply by Roma Cox on July 14, 2010 at 3:17pm

We use to tell our kids that we were going to our room to discuss what we were planning to do with them for the week-end. If they disturbed us we told them: Oh you just interupted our plans, now we will have to start all over. They soon learned to wait with no interuptions, and were excited to hear what we had planned.

Of course it only took a couple of minutes to discuss our plans, but they did not figure that out for many years. It sure worked for us

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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Barkai on July 14, 2010 at 4:49pm

That is very clever and definitely not anything I have ever heard, maybe I will have to try it out with my hubby one time...Thanks for sharing! Any alone time is great, no matter how we get it! LOL.

Rebecca

Roma Cox said:

We use to tell our kids that we were going to our room to discuss what we were planning to do with them for the week-end. If they disturbed us we told them: Oh you just interupted our plans, now we will have to start all over. They soon learned to wait with no interuptions, and were excited to hear what we had planned.

Of course it only took a couple of minutes to discuss our plans, but they did not figure that out for many years. It sure worked for us

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