What Divorce Teaches Our Children
I just read one of the blog posts about mediation and how parents need to improve their actions and communications after divorce (or while going through divorce) in order to serve the well-being of their children. As parents, children should be our number one priority, and I applaud those who are concerned about the aftermath and work with parents to co-parent in a productive way.
But here's the thing. Studies show that the majority of divorces involve low-conflict marriages and that many divorces are preventable. What the studies also show -- and this is research from the last ten years, dispelling the myths of those who led the way to our current no-fault divorce system -- is that children by and large are harmed in a myriad number of long-term ways by the divorce itself. So while well-meaning professionals are working on the back-end -- what happens during and after the divorce -- more effort needs to be placed on the front end. Preventing preventable divorces for the sake of our children and educating parents at the get-go about the effects on their chldren. I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post Divorce section about the lessons that parents teach their children by electing to divorce. Hoping it's helpful to add to the discussion we need to start having in this area before we elect divorce as an option.
This is a complicated area with no easy answers. As a single mom who did not elect divorce, I know how hard it has been. Would enjoy hearing from other single moms.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beverly-willett/pinky-swears-are-wort...
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Jenny Hoffman on -
I know they say that it takes two people to crash a marriage, but I so wish that my ex-husband had been coached on preventing divorces and what being a partner really means. Then maybe our divorce could have been preventable. (It was his second marriage, my first.)
I do worry what it has taught and will teach my daughter. She is five and currently thinks that people only get married to have babies. Then they get "unmarried" as she puts it. I keep telling her that's not how it's supposed to work, but she remains adamant.
I didn't have time to read the articles, but I do look forward to hearing others' thoughts on this matter.
~Jenny
-
-
Permalink Reply by Beverly Willett on -
Hi Jenny,
You're right to worry -- studies show that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves. It's a terrible legacy we're leaving our children -- and that's only one instance of how they suffer. It's going to take a huge campaign to start changing public awareness about these things, because the old myths prevail. I'm so sorry you weren't able to prevent your divorce; neither was I. And I worry, too, about the legacy for my own children.
The Huffington Post Divorce section is carrying a lot of artices about these things but the articles cover subjects from A to Z as well as a range of viewpoints. People like you with your concerns would add greatly to the dialogue if you're interested. Other bloggers there that are writing about these matters especially where our children are concerned are Elizabeth Marquardt, Judith Wallerstein and Cathy Meyer in case you want to check out any of their posts.
Best,
Beverly
Jenny Hoffman said:I know they say that it takes two people to crash a marriage, but I so wish that my ex-husband had been coached on preventing divorces and what being a partner really means. Then maybe our divorce could have been preventable. (It was his second marriage, my first.)
I do worry what it has taught and will teach my daughter. She is five and currently thinks that people only get married to have babies. Then they get "unmarried" as she puts it. I keep telling her that's not how it's supposed to work, but she remains adamant.
I didn't have time to read the articles, but I do look forward to hearing others' thoughts on this matter.
~Jenny
-
-
Permalink Reply by Susan Burg on
-
I think it's how you handle the divorce while it's ongoing and after. I made sure to talk to my daughter and let her know that both of us loved her and that she had nothing to do with the divorce in any way. I kept reinforcing this even after her father moved out of state and continued to distance himself from her and her life. My current relationship, which I have been in for seven years has shown her that two people can work out their differences and come to a compromise. She knows that divorce is the last resort and that it is not the solution. You have to teach your kids to communicate. You have to teach them that quiting is not the immediate answer and that marraige is a long term commitment. She knows that their are times when you have to leave as in an abusive relationship. But, she has a healthy attitude towards relationships and divorce. I am proud that I was able to teach her the difference.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Beverly Willett on
-
I certainly agree that divorce should be the last resort and that there are times such as an abusive relationship when you need to leave the marriage. In cases of abuse and certain high-conflict marriages, there is some indication children may do better if the marriage ends. Two-thirds of marriages are low-conflict, though, and in those, how you handle the divorce while it's ongoing and after does not make the difference. That's one of the myths that was floated at the inception of no-fault around 1970 and has been perpetuated without sound basis in research for the last 40 years. The social science research in the last 20 years or so shows that it is not the handling of the divorce in those situations I mentioned, but the divorce itself. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but teaching your daughter quitting is not the answer and that marriage is supposed to be a long-term (I would say life-long where possible) commitment is admirable. I'm so glad she's doing well. If you're interested in reading further, though, about the effects on children I would recommend "Between Two Worlds" by Elizabeth Marquardt.
Happy Mother's Day by the way!
-
Hiring & Business Opportunities!
Sponsors
Quick Poll & Survey
© 2012 Created by MyWorkButterfly.
