Allison Minion, Freelance Writer, Editor And Mother Of Three, Shares An Article With Butterfly

I don’t do anything.

I should clarify: In the parlance of today’s sensitivity-course graduates, I don’t work outside the home. I’m neither defensive nor particularly proud of this fact. Still, if you’d asked me ten years ago, while I was still in college, what I’d be doing with my life a decade into the future, being a stay-at-home mother to three toddlers would have seemed as unlikely a prediction as favoring bootleg over straight leg. I’d be blazing a trail in the business world, I would’ve guessed. And yet, here I am: Mommy. Harried, nurturing, enamored, occasionally unshowered and mostly fulfilled captain of our squad.

Of course, like most of my friends, in idle moments (too few, too far-between), I contemplate the neighbors’ grass. Is it, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence? Why do I feel embarrassed to have abandoned my career? Would I be a better role model to my three boys if I worked at a “real job”? Would I be happier? Would they greet me at the door with the squeals and cheers reserved for a conquering hero that await their father every evening?

Perhaps all parents fantasize about changing their work-family situation, whatever it may be. But judging from the number of books, talk shows and websites devoted to the topic, it seems that mothers struggle with their choices most of all. Whether we are ceding to family circumstances, economic realities or making a decision of our own free will, one thing’s for sure: we will beat ourselves up over it. And when we’re done, we’ll beat each other up, too.

Glamour editor-in-chief Cindi Leive acknowledges the universal phenomenon of women judging other women in a harsher light than we’d shine on men. “Why do we get so mean and finger-pointy when we talk about one another’s decisions? (Work late and you’re a bad mom; stay home and you’re ambitionless!)” Call it a shiny, bright thread of the Mommy culture: putting down other women’s decisions rather than admitting to doubts about our own.

By highlighting the tensions that stay-at-homes and working moms struggle to resolve in their own heads, and our shared tendencies to second-guess one another, Lieve’s identified a theme that’s popping up on bookshelves, online and in watercooler conversations. Next stop: book groups. Herewith, a list of recommended reading on the subject.

• The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women. In case the subtitle alone doesn’t leave you with a severe psychosomatic rash, this book, written by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels, offers an encouraging call to arms. Let’s rewrite society’s unrealistic and punishing expectations of the Supermom. Instead, we can launch a movement of “rebellious mothering; the notion that you can still love your kids without teaching them origami. . . or making sure they have a funny, loving note in their lunchbox each and every day.” A valentine to working mothers.

• I Don’t Know How She Does It. Allison Pearson’s brilliantly funny and poignant send-up of one working mom’s struggle to keep all her balls in the air. This is the novel that Oprah Winfrey named “the national anthem for working mothers,” although moms of all persuasions will find themselves nodding “Amen” and “Yes, sister” in sympathy with the very human and endearing heroine, Kate Reddy.

• Maternal Desire: On Children, Love & the Inner Life. This book hardly qualifies as light reading, but if you can get past psychologist and mother of three Daphne De Marneffe’s academic tone, here’s a tribute to motherhood in all its glory. Society too often writes off the care of young children as menial drudgery, when many women experience it as deeply satisfying and even exciting. Though her earnestness may inspire some eyerolling and snorting, she’s a cheerleader for M-O-M.

• www.familyeducation.com. Here’s a valuable online resource not only for parents, but for kids and teachers, too. Check out parent pages like “Double Duty: Working Mothers.” Its message boards address issues including the search for quality child care, how working moms can find time to work out, and time management skills for overtaxed parents.

• www.bluesuitmom.com. Recent features include advice from a career expert on designing your own career; keeping kids physically active; and calculating what you’re worth to your employer. The site’s newsletter delivers tips and advice for working mothers, including the ominous topic “Overcoming Worry.”

• www.urbanbaby.com. This site is a hoot for its eavesdropping value alone. Register to overhear heated chat room debates on every aspect of parenting; no topic too trivial or personal. Recent questions addressed by contributors include “How do you make time for your creative work?” and “Who does the taxes in your household?” Also full of lists and discussions specific to raising kids in NYC.


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