How to Spice Up a Marriage

I live to exasperate my husband. I live for the eye roll. I find it very entertaining.

After a certain number of years together, this must be what they mean by spicing up the marriage, right?? Who’s with me?

What better way to pass the time and the years than by pushing the exact buttons you know lurk under the surface? (I realize that many of you out there right now either think I am evil or brilliant. It is a line I carefully walk.)

Reactions out of my husband that I find fun include:

1. Disbelief
2. Blank stare
3. A short, choppy, loud, “What?!”
4. The afore-mentioned eye roll with a small smile playing on the lips
5. Slight and fleeting annoyance

Obviously, whatever keeps ME chuckling (on the inside) works.

Some examples of how I accomplish this include:

1. Pretending I am completely serious, when actually I am only totally messing with him.
Our late cat, Gweniviere, is buried in our back yard. Recently, we were sitting outside on the patio watching our little maniac run around the backyard. We have been pondering moving in the future. Deadpan, I looked at my husband and said, “You know when we move, you’re going to have to dig up Gweniviere so we can take her with us.” Reaction: Disbelief and blank stare.

2. Giving flimsy responses to questions he has for me.
My husband always loves to know “what the plan is” for the day or the next day. Although I am an organizer-type, when it comes to planning open, summer days, I rather like to fly by the seat of my pants and not feel constrained by too many “plans.” So, about EVERY SINGLE TIME my husband asks me, “What are you going to do tomorrow?” I say, “Go to Target. Get some socks. Maybe a necklace.” Reaction: short chuckle and eye roll.

3. Swearing that Us Weekly stories are THE FACTS.
When watching television news, my husband may comment on a story here and there. I’ll say, “I already know all about that.” He may say, “Oh, yeah, how?” I say, “Us Weekly!! You know! THE FACTS!” Reaction: chuckling and eye roll, but unfortunately, sometimes heckling.

4. Increasingly reminding him of his dear Grandma L. as I get older.
Recently, I had to have a wisdom tooth removed and was put under for it. When I began to wake from sedation, my husband tells me that I started rapid-fire questioning for the poor nurse. He said I wouldn’t stop until we were out of the office. I was asking, “How long did it take? Can I see my tooth? What does it look like? Was it hard to get out? How many minutes or seconds of pulling? Did you have to grunt and pull hard on it, or did it come out easy? What kind of tools did you use to get it out? Was there lots of blood? Did I make any noises? Did the dentist make noises?” and on and on. I remember my husband telling me this, shaking his head, and he quietly said, “You reminded me of Grandma L.” (She was a rambunctious, curious gal.) Reaction: Disbelief and scared amusement.

5. My driving.
My driving never fails to get reactions out of my husband, but I am always quick to remind him, “I have NEVER been in an accident, so be quiet!” He believes that this fact is a miracle and there must be angels surrounding my car every time I drive. I like to zip around in a zippy sort of way. (He must know by now that I do some things on purpose when he is with me just to get the desired reaction out of him. For example, speed up a bit right when I’m entering a parking spot and then slamming the brakes.) Reaction: Disbelief and some fear.

Ladies, you gotta keep your man on their toes lest things get…boring. Why not be the Lucy to his Ricardo and laugh along the way. Even if you’re the only one laughing, at least SOMEONE is having fun!

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