In Japan and Korea, Asian-style Parenting Means Mom Stays Home

This is a reprint of a guest blog Carol Fishman Cohen wrote for Working Mother.

In the wave of reaction to Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the focus has been primarily on the kids and whether the Chinese parenting methods described could be considered child abuse. What has not been discussed is that Asian-style intensive parenting falls squarely in the mother’s lap. It is not the father, or both parents, but the mother who is 100% responsible for the child’s academic success.

By extension, if the child does not “succeed” by getting the highest grades, and getting into a top university, then it is the mother’s fault. An extreme version of the Asian parenting game plays out in Japan and South Korea where mothers are under tremendous pressure from their own husbands, in-laws and parents to remain out of the workforce to focus all of their efforts on enabling their children’s academic achievements. Anything less would be a betrayal of the child and of the entire extended family.

How do I know this? In 2008, I was invited by the U.S. Embassy in Japan to keynote an international symposium called “Creating a Second Chance for Women”, examining the topic of women returning to work after a career break. As part of the trip, the embassies in Japan and Korea had me speak for two weeks before audiences of at-home moms, and before interested employers, academics and media representatives. As exciting as it was to make these presentations, I was unprepared for what happened off stage. Time and again, after I spoke, I was pulled aside by women who confided they wanted desperately to be working, but the demands of intensive Asian parenting methods to maximize their child’s academic performance were keeping them at home. The pressure started almost as soon as a child was born: “My daughter was my walking report card in diapers,” whispered a Japanese mom.
To read the complete blog on Working Mother, click here.

Carol Fishman Cohen (r) and Vivian Steir Rabin (l) are the co-authors of the acclaimed career reentry book Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to..., and the co-founders of iRelaunch , a company producing career reentry programs, events, and content for employers, universities, organizations and individuals.

Interested in returning to work after a career break? Register for our Relaunch Coaching Circles and/or our iRelaunch Return to Work Conference hosted by Emory Goizueta Business School in Atlanta on March 29 and Bentley University in Boston on May 19. Additional Conferences planned for DC and NYC in 2011. Click here to sign up for our newsletter. It’ s free! Carol and Vivian can be reached at info@iRelaunch.com or follow us on twitter www.twitter.com/irelaunch.

Tags: asia, career, child, mom, mother, parenting, success, working

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Comment by Carol Fishman Cohen on November 9, 2011 at 5:53pm: Geralyn- You should publish this as a blog posting. Maybe submit it to Working Mother. Let me know if you want information on how to submit it- I can connect you with my contact there. ccohen@irelaunch.com. carol

Comment by Geralyn C. Adler on November 9, 2011 at 5:48pm: I read this book last year and I have mix feelings about this book. I, too, am Asian and although my parents are not Chinese, they have the very similar Asian parenting style as described in the book. The Asian-style parenting does NOT give allowances for innovation, creativity and entrepreneurship. It's too rigid, too black-and-white as any slight variation from the course is considered a "dishonor" or "disappointment!" For instance, my Thai friend has affluent parents who raised him the very same way. He was an ambitious and an excellent student who received a lot of accodales. When it came time to apply for colleges, he was accepted into virtually ALL the Ivy League Univesities EXCEPT for Harvard. Well, his parents disowned him and refused to financially support him through any of the OTHER Ivy League Colleges because he wasn't, as they told him, "smart enough to get in Harvard." How atrocious is that!! Of course, he was smart enough to get scholarships and finance his way to UCLA where he became an Entertainment Lawyer. But to this day, they still disown him.

I can tell you from my experience that I did NOT like my Asian-style upbringing at all. But without going too much into details, I did everything to try to please my parents: chores, getting straight A's, etc. But when it came time to choosing a college and a career path, I "disobeyed" them by not going to medical school and becoming a doctor. Instead I decided to go into Business and Fashion Design and pursued my endeavors in that direction. However, it wasn't "the right career" and they gave me no support and encouragement. Many years have passed and my parents have mello-ed. But I can always see the disappointment in their eyes and to this day, I am very resentful for that (regardless of giving them the benefit of a doubt or trying to understand their justifications.)

Nevertheless, when I read this book, it brought back a lot of negative memories of my upbringing I had stashed away in my brain for years. In my eyes, Amy Chua reminded me of my parents and I despised her and the way she treated her daughters. I believed that Amy should be charged with child abuse as starving her kids, kicking them out in below-freezing weather, half-naked constituted child abuse to me! But unfortunately, what is NOT child abuse is the mental abuse that she has instilled in them by not encouraging creativity, innovation and self-esteem and by not allowing her girls to have "down-time." The girls were not allowed to express this, let alone de-stress themselves from all the rigorous "practising" and homework and they yearned for it. This is why her youngest daughter rebelled with her constantly.

In hindsight, my negative upbringing (Asian style parenting) was just an example for me NOT to raise my daughter that way and guess what...she get's straight A's, is the smartest girl in her grade and she was even accepted to Stanford's exclusive academic camp last summer (to compete with the same Chinese kids that these "Tiger Moms" raise... AND she can beat them at their own academic games to boot!) The difference is: my daughter is also accomplished in the Arts, in sports and even makes her own money doing acting gigs (she is an actress, as well as a whiz in Calculus!) Sure my daughter is stressed, BUT she she is allowed "down-time" and fun activities to "energize and rejuvenate her spirits," (I don't push her to the point of passing-out from starvation and stress!) She is well-rounded, balanced and happy. Thus, when she's happy, she is confident and when she know she has my love and encouragement (without harsh chastising,) she knows she can excel and accomplish whatever she sets her mind on in this world.

Sorry for the long novel! I've contemplated about writing my version of Asian-parenting someday. =)